Removing the Sunglasses of Transference
How past experiences can distort our perception of reality
I got Lasik surgery when I was in my mid 20’s and it was a game changer. Although the operation itself was pretty scary, I’m still glad I did it. Life was a lot easier without waking up blind every morning. It’s also nice to not stress about losing my vision randomly when I’m working out.
But one of my favorite things about life without glasses is that I’m finally able to wear sunglasses. It’s something I’ve always wanted to do because I think it’s cool. Plus it helps to avoid the glare from other cars when I’m driving.
Well one day when I was getting out of my car, I got a text and looked down at my iPhone. I thought my phone was broken because the screen was really dark and I could barely see anything. Nothing changed when I adjusted the screen’s brightness in the phone settings and I was getting pretty upset because the phone was fairly new. But then I took my sunglasses off and slapped myself in the forehead.
The screen looked dark because I was wearing polarized sunglasses!
In other words, my phone wasn’t broken. It just looked that way because of my sunglasses.
Something similar can happen when we listen to others. Last week, we talked about the different principles to listening well. Today, we’re going to cover how our bias, our world view, and our Emotional Debt can be like our sunglasses. They can distort what we’re looking at and trick us into thinking that something is wrong.
Transference as Our Sunglasses
Transference is a term I learned when I was pursuing an M.A. in Counseling at Cal State Fullerton. It describes what happens when a client “transfers” emotions from a previous experience or relationship onto the therapist. For example, let’s say a female teenage client who has had a history of abusive relationships with older men goes into therapy. Now because her therapist is a male and in his 60’s, she has a hard time trusting him. In fact, sometimes she yells at him in the middle of the session as if he was one of her past abusers.
Now the same thing can happen from the therapist’s perspective but is called counter transference. This is when a therapist “transfers” emotions from their own past onto the client. This can be quite damaging because the therapist may be responding to or attempting to assist the client in an area that they aren’t even struggling with.
When we listen to others, we must be careful not to do the same thing. We must take care not to transfer any emotions or past experience onto the person sharing. If we do, then we’re not really listening. Instead, the sunglasses of transference are distorting our view of reality and could potentially make us think something is wrong when everything is fine.
This is why it’s so important for us to pay down our Emotional Debt. It’s also why we should avoid fixing comments. When someone shares a painful experience, it’s a sign of trust. They’re being vulnerable and so you have a certain amount of power to speak into their lives. This is a big responsibility.
What if you give advice and they take it and their life gets worse? Does that make you responsible? What if your advice isn’t even addressing the underlying issue because your vision was distorted by counter transference? We must first hear and see the person as they are before we can even begin to think about helping them.
Transference in Relationships
Transference doesn’t just occur in the context of therapy or listening. It can impact our relationships in our everyday lives as well.
In my freshman year of college, I met a group of friends through a Christian fellowship. I met a lot of great people there but unfortunately, there was one person I didn’t get along with.
Now for the life of me, I couldn’t figure out why. I never said or did anything to offend them. I barely even communicated with them! But from the very beginning of that relationship, I noticed that we were getting into very combative relationship patterns.
A couple years later, we had a heart-to-heart. Eventually that person told me that they didn’t like me “just because they knew we wouldn’t get along.” In other words based on past experiences, I simply looked like someone they wouldn’t like and that’s why the starting point of our relationships was so conflictual.
Remove Transference By Dealing With Emotional Debt
Now transference isn’t always bad. For example, clients can have profound experiences with their therapists as they rebalance and restore past wounds through it. But transference also has a tendency to “leak” into relationships by interpreting innocent actions as malicious and creating unintended conflicts.
Once we pay down Emotional Debt, it becomes a lot easier to have healthier relationships. Why? Because we fight less and see things more clearly.
So the next time you feel “triggered” by what someone does, take a moment and check in with yourself. Did the person really mean to hurt you? Or are you simply “transferring” an emotion from a past experience? If it’s the later, take off your sunglasses, let it go, and explore the Emotion Iceberg when you can.
Discussion Questions
When was the last time you misinterpreted someone’s actions? What happened? Was it simply a misunderstanding or was it an example of transference?
Think back to the last few conflicts you had with others. Do you notice a theme? If so, what could be causing the same conflict to occur over and over again? Spend some time exploring the Emotion Iceberg to narrow down what could be going on.