Don't Fix People's Problems, Listen to Them
Practical steps on how to listen well.
Last week we talked about how listening is a latent ability that anyone can develop into a “super power.” Today, we are going to cover the beginning steps on how to do that by following three basic principles:
Don’t fix
Actively listen
Clarify and probe
Don’t Fix
When someone tells you about their problems, there is a temptation to fix them right away. At first you might think that you’re helping, but from an outside perspective this is what it can look like:
I love this sketch because it’s a great snapshot of how a fixing conversation might go.
Bob Newhart, the therapist, comes off as cold, unempathetic, and rude. Kristen Stewart, the client, feels attacked and inadequate. And of course, the solution to problem is obvious…just stop it!
When you fix a problem for someone, one of the underlying messages that you are communicating is that you’re smarter than they are. You’re telling them that they aren’t capable of solving their own problems. This is one of the reasons why people love fixing, because it makes them feel smarter and better than the other person.
But in reality, fixing people can actually rob them of an opportunity for growth. It can rob them of the chance to solve the problem themselves. And unfortunately, you can start to create a codependent relationship with them if you do it frequently. If they come to you to solve their problem today, then they’ll come to you to solve their problem tomorrow.
Here are some examples of fixing comments:
Just talk to her about it.
You need to suck it up.
Don’t do that! Do this instead.
Actively Listen
If fixing comments are out, then what kind of responses should you give? I recommend actively listening as a starting point.
Active listening is the skill and art of summarizing then reflecting back what the other person is saying. There are three steps to active listening:
Quickly summarize what they said.
Add a little bit of emotions to it. (Use the emotion checklist if you need to!)
Check to see if you got it right.
Here’s an example. Let’s say someone tells you about their day and they seem down:
Randy: “Hey Andrew. I had a really rough day at work. My boss really tore me a new one about one of the projects I was working on.”
Andrew: “Dang Randy. Sounds like work was stressful and you’re feeling a bit down. Is that right?”
Notice how I briefly summarized his problem, added the emotion of sadness, and then checked with him to see if my guess was right. If you got it wrong, don’t worry. They’ll correct you.
When you do this, you’ll notice that they’ll start sharing more about what they’re going through and how they feel about it. Why? Because when people talk to you about their problems, they’re not looking to be fixed. They’re looking to be heard.
Here’s a great clip that really hits the “nail on the head”:
Clearly if she removed the nail, her head wouldn’t ache. But it isn’t about the nail! It’s about connecting with another person so that they feel heard and supported.
Clarify and Probe
Other tools you can use to develop your listening skills are clarifying and probing questions.
Clarifying questions ask for more information from the other person. These are really helpful when what they share is a bit unclear or if you just want more context. Here’s an example of a clarifying question:
Could you tell me more about what happened at work today?
Probing questions go deeper into a problem or situation. These are really helpful when you think there might be something deeper going on. Here’s an example of a probing question:
Did you feel inadequate when your boss chewed you out today at work?
Both of these are questions are designed to have the person talk more. They are aligned with the first principle of “Don’t Fix, Listen” and are not intended to fix or suggest a solution.
The Heem Challenge
This week, I want to challenge you to develop your listening skills by practicing the three principles above whenever you have a conversation with someone. It might be awkward and hard at first, but you’ll notice that the type and quality of conversations that you have will be very different!
Once you do, report back and comment below on how it went. Good luck!